Mixed Feelings

I'm home, for good.  For several years I have been helping care for my mother-in-law in one way or another.  I now have control of my own time and schedule, for the first time in a very long time.  Starting with delivering meals, and ending with being a live-in caregiver as many as four days a week, I have been taking care of my mother-in-law for several years.

I'm relieved, I'm excited and yet I'm sad.  I won't be spending that time with Norah any more.  It was hard physically and mentally, and it took away any chance to play poker on a regular basis.  At the same time, it was an honor and a privilege to be there with her and for her.  I cried a lot yesterday, knowing that the next day would be the last spent with her.  Norah is 93 and has Alzeheimer's Disease.  Soon I won't have any more chances to have a meaningful conversation with her.  Sure, I will still see her from time to time, but very soon it won't really be her any more.

Earlier today she asked me, "Am I in the right place?"  She doesn't always know that she is in her own home.  A few times recently she has called me "Tootsie," which perhaps meant that she thought I was her late husband, or an old boyfriend.

I have to move on. This is my chance to play poker full-time, to make a decent income doing something that I love, something that I've wanted for a very long time.  I can't look back.  I need to play as often as I can and to run my bankroll up high enough that I never have to play with "scared money" again.