Alone

My wife and I like to watch the TV show "Alone."  It's a survival show, and there are no gimmicks or complicated rules.  Some people are scattered on a Canadian Island and whoever survives the longest without having to be rescued wins $250,000.  There are no time limits.  If it takes six months or a year before you are the last person standing, then that's how long you will be there.  Contestants are not told when a competitor "taps out."  There are no participation trophies.

I always tell my wife that I would be good at that.  I describe myself as analytical or intelligent or a lot of other things, but more than one test gave my strongest attribute as independence.  When I thought about that, I decided that the tests were correct.  I could be on that show.  I could be alone for a year.  I've pitched a tent at night in a snowstorm and I've built a fire for cooking.

All of that said, my poker routine is starting to get to me.  I have not played live poker since 2016, and I really enjoyed meeting all of the different types of people.  I have played tournaments in my home office, 466 of them in 2017 and 113 so far in 2018.  I've been retooling everything from the ground up.  I started with about $40 in my account on Juicy Stakes Poker, and playing mostly $1 and $2 tournaments, I've built that bankroll up to $464.

I've been very strict about how I play and how I manage my bankroll.  I study at least 10 hours a week and play around 30 hours a week.  I knew all about poker being a long-term game, but I needed to experience for myself what statistical variance feels like over a reasonably large sample size.

I've sacrificed a lot to do that.  I literally don't have any friends, no one that I have lunch with or do things with.  I have been asked a few times who my best friend is, and the answer is always, "I don't have one."  (My wife doesn't like that answer.)  I don't talk to other players unless it's someone on an online poker forum.  Other than my wife, my cats Vanessa Rousso and Callie, and visits from our grandchildren, I barely talk to family members unless it's an occasional post on Facebook, which I check maybe three times a week.  An exciting day in my world happened a few days ago--I was taking the car to the mechanic and I stopped on the way to get breakfast at McDonalds.

I believe that I could last on a island, by myself, for a year, if that's what it took to win life-changing money--but Vanessa and Callie would veto that idea.  I'm told that they cry or stare at the door if I'm gone for an hour.  I also know that what I've done with poker is going to pay off big in the not-too-distant future, but it is starting to wear on me.  I especially feel guilty about the lack of contact with my family.

There is no solution to this and there is no need for one.  I know that I'm doing the right thing.  I love playing poker, and more than that, I want poker to be making a significant contribution to the family finances by the time that my wife retires.  I turned $40 that was sitting on a poker site for two years into $464, and that growth will build on itself much like compound interest.  When my bankroll is a thousand dollars, then two thousand, then three, I'll be able to play higher buy-in tournaments with no long-term risk to my bankroll.*  My poker winnings will grow, just as compound interest grows in a bank account.

I suppose that I will feel a lot better about things when I make my first withdrawal and I have that check in my hand, probably in May.

As always, your questions and comments (see box below) are welcome.

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* Some will read this sentence and respond that poker is gambling and most people lose.  If you know what you're doing poker is no more of a gamble than investing in the stock market.  If I always play with 100 buy-ins behind me I am very unlikely to go broke, that is, my mathematical Risk of Ruin would probably be less than 5%.  If I go on a long losing streak I will simply move down to a lower level where I would have 100 buy-ins, play at that level and work my way back up.  To put it simply, I don't spend money on tournaments that I can't afford.  Players who manage their money that way don't go broke.