Poker Always Loses

I got home today from a five-day stretch with my mother-in-law.   Every time that happens, I say, or at least think to myself, "I know I'm doing the right thing but . . . "

The "but" is that taking care of my mother-in-law changes everything, and it has gone on for much longer than I expected.  When this all started, she was 90 and had Alzheimers.  Now she's about to turn 92, and the only thing that has changed is that we are giving her full-time care rather than just checking on her and bringing her meals during the day.

I would like to be more dilligent about posting in my blog, and do it at least every other day, but when I sit down to write, I have no idea what to say.  How about this: "Third day with mother-in-law and I have studied poker for a total of two hours after she went to bed?"  I'm often too tired at night to do any serious studying, and anyway, I can't stay up very late because I have to be up whenever my mother-in-law is awake.

My wife and I had discussed this and agreed that I would play live at least once a week and fit that in on the days that I was home, but that hasn't worked out at all.  In the last two months I've played something like one online SNG, one online MTT and two live tournaments.

My duties with my mother-in-law are a very big deal, but the truth is that it's gone way beyond that. I'm in a situation where nothing else that I do is important.  My time is not valuable, because I'm not making an income, therefore, I can be diverted to anything else but poker with impunity.  My wife has to drive 30 miles to another city for a meeting with her employer?  Not even a question. I want to drive eight miles to work, in my case, the local poker room?  That's probably OK, unless something changes--and something usually does.

Here's a current example.  I have not been able to play a live tournament so far this month.  I looked at the schedule a few days ago, and there were only four possible days that I could play: June 20, 21, 27 and 28.  I was trying to play four times a month, and this month I was already down to only four possible days that I could play.

At least one of those days is probably gone now, because a relative is coming into town, and she has a cute new baby, so that definitely wins.  Certainly no one in the family thought about asking if I had to work (play poker) before that this was set up.  Poker always loses and I've let it happen.  Everyone knows that.  If I can't play a lot and make a lot of money, then why bother?  (The answer, of course, is that I have to play regularly enough to build a bankroll large enough to make some real money.)

The car has to go to see the new baby, so I have to sit in that car and see the baby (or stay home, but certainly not go to a poker room!)  I'm not really making any money playing poker, and I don't have to show up to keep an employer happy, so what I want is irrelevant.  I don't generate an income, therefore my time is not valuable, therefore, my desire to play poker is, from an economics point of view, irrelevant.

No one asks when I want to play poker when the schedule is made.  I work around the duty schedule, and I was OK with that for a while.  But now I realize that I made a huge mistake.  Because I work my job around the duty schedule, that says to everyone involved that I can work around other things as well, because I don't have a "real job" (it's clear that my brother-in-law sees it that way), which means that poker always loses.

The schedule works around birthdays, anniversaries and other events, including the regular game night of another caregiver.  Never, ever, around poker.  I'm 58, and the clock is ticking.  I'm trying to make a living playing a game that takes years of study and practice to master, and I'm running out of time.

No one made an analysis that my need to play poker is irrelevant, but that is in fact the way it works.  If cute baby was coming into town and I had a decent chance of winning at least a thousand dollars in a poker tournament that day, the calculation would be very different.  Poker has, at least until now always been the lowest family priority.  Until I can turn playing poker into something, poker is nothing.

I can't post here about my poker playing, since I almost never play, so I'll probably start cross-posting some of the things I've said on the twoplustwo.com poker forums recently.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I advise other players and I don't even play.