Today's Live Tournament

I get to play today at The Big Game Room.  Last week I got a small cash, and I'm hoping to do even better tomorrow.  I should be excited about it, but I'm not.

I didn't want to write this post.  I'm just doing it because I think I should post more than once a week.

Poker is my job, and that's all it is.  A very part-time job, but just a job.  Then fun has gone out of it.  It just hit me that for the first time this year, I'm going to play live poker, and I'm not even excited about it.  It's just something that I have to do.

It's become a grind, not just to play poker, but to manage everything else so that I can even play poker.  Half of my time, usually 3-5 days a week, I'm tied up with my eldercare situation.  The fate of the Michigan charity rooms could be decided soon, either by the courts or the Michigan House of Representatives, but I don't know when, or by whom.

One of the local dealers is looking for a casino job.  He thinks that the owner might get tired of the uncertainty and just close the room.  So here I am, always fighting to manage my ADD, with nothing under my control.  To properly manage my ADD, I need a plan.  I need a structure.  I need to impose organization and discipline.

To that end, about a week ago I decided to once again have a target for my studying, setting it at 20 hours a week. But since I am not home half of the time, there are always things waiting to be done.  One of those things, again due to outside forces, has recently become more urgent, and boom, my schedule and goals are blown up again.

I will play poker tomorrow, and I hope it goes well.  I don't even know what the priorities are any more.  If I hit the studying hard, I can't really apply and practice the things I learn playing a very few hours a week.  If I don't study and practice, I don't get better--but I can barely manage to either study or play, let alone do both.

I'm not depressed, it's more like I'm resigned.  I"m good at objectively analyzing a situaiton.  I'm in an almost impossible spot, with no choice but to keep going, so that's what I'll do.  I'll keep going, with no plan, knowing that if I come up with a one, it probably won't last a week.  That is a very, very bad situation for someone with ADD.

I want to make this work, for me, and for my family.  I"ll keep trying.  I just don't see how I can make anything happen in 2014.  As I see it, the best-case scenario is that it doesn't get worse.  But if the charity rooms close, it will be much worse.