7/13/2010--Results for week of 7/4-7/10

HOURS
Administrative 1.75
Study 3.75
Play 14.75
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Total Hours, 20.25


BANKROLL
Starting 7/4, $192.34
Cashout 7/7 $50.00
Ending 7/10, $101.99

Bankroll change, -$90.35
Profit or loss from poker, -$40.35

Disaster is the only word that applies here. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. My family did a great job of keeping me on edge. We never knew what was going on, or if it was really going on when they said it was. I had a bad run of cards, but that wasn't the biggest problem.

I don't know what to believe from my kids any more. My middle son has been talking for a while about being deployed to Afghanistan, and when he was home, he says he won't be deployed because of medical issues--a bad back. What? The army disagnosed him some time ago, and he planned on being deployed until very recently--and that changed during his leave?

Of course that change didn't effect my poker playing, but the point it that I don't know what's true and what's not. Even with my son back in Alaska (or at least I assume he is, he said he would call when he got there, and he didn't), the uncertainty will continue.

Just before he left, my youngest son wanted to spend some more time with him, so we wound up babysitting two of our granddaughters. This was of course, spontaneous (meaning no notice for my wife and I). We said yes, and they arrived 30 minutes before they said they would, and came to pick them up a little over 30 minutes later than the agreed time.

I should explain here that there is no way that my wife can watch them by herself while I play. We live in a small one-story house and I have ADD. And we can't really explain to a 1, 2, and 3 year old that I'll be on the other side of that door but can't see them because I'm working. Even if they did leave me alone, kids make noise, so having them within 10 feet of me, even if I was wearing earplugs, just wouldn't work. My wife can't take them anywhere, because we don't have 3 child car seats.

I must confess that there is one more thing going on here, and it's on me. I took $50 out of my PokerStars account. That was for my wife's birthday, and she deserved it. She's been very patient, waiting for poker to finally pay off. I have no regrets about doing that.

But the bottom line is that I commited the worst sin a poker player can commit. I tilted. To use the non-poker vernacular, I freaked out. I have a nasty phobia, a fear of heights. But I have one phobia even worse--playing with a small bankroll.

That doesn't just scare me, it terrifies me. I remember that when I was younger my family moved so often that my mother had nightmares about once again having to move and leave her friends behind. That's how scary a small bankroll is to me.

I was a very good part-time player, and built my bankroll to $238 without even trying hard. I just played games that I liked to play, and it happened. I thought it would keep growing forever.

More than two years later, I'm playing full-time, and it's never been that large again. At $215 just a couple weeks ago, I was so close that I could taste it.

When I took out the $50, I was a nervous, but I was confident that I could get it back fairly quickly. Then I hit a bad steak, all of the family stuff happened, and I wound up on a massive losing streak. Before I knew it, I was fighting to stay above $100, and the $3 and $4 tournaments were now out. I'm now bankrolled only to play $1 and $2 tournaments, and my bankroll is borderline even for the $2 tournaments.

I've really baffled about how to deal with some of this, mostly the family part. We love our grandchildren, and we want to see them. But honestly, I don't think there's any way I can tell my son to give me a day's notice before he wants us to babysit. I could, and maybe I should, but most people my son's age just don't think that way.

They don't plan ahead. They don't know that they'll be going to a movie on Friday and will need someone to watch the kids. They don't think about how to plan so they will be back for the kids at the agreed time.

I don't have any good options. I have to work, and if that means laying down some ground rules, even refusing to watch the kids until things change, that certainly seems like the only option. If I was single, I would absolutely do it. However, my wife is already upset that the kids spend more time with their other grandparents (the "party house" mentioned in an earlier post) than they do with us. I'm truly in a no-win situation here.

This is crazy. I can't believe all the stupid things that are interfering with my poker playing--my internet (Comcast Cable) went down twice last week. The second time I was 3rd of 12 in a tournament that paid 7 places. I had good cards (AK preflop), I bet 20% of my stack, lost the internet for three minutes, lost the hand, and just missed cashing (I finished 9th). Murphy's Law was definitely the driving force last week.

I knew from all the admonitions on 2+2 that playing poker as a job is never as easy as you think it's going to be. I wondered sometimes (not often, but sometimes) if I would be good enough, serious enough, smart enough, or even-tempered enough (failed there!) to pull it off through the ups and downs. I never dreamed that so many outside forces would make it difficult.

I'm already a few dollars up since the end of that calamitous week. The slow climb back playing $1-2 tournaments has begun. I just have to stick with it, and deal with the distractions as best I can. I guess the next step is to get my bankroll up to $180, which will allow me to play $3 tournaments again.

I'll probably detail my bankroll management strategy in my next post.