I Give Up

No, I have not given up on poker.  I have given up the idea of  having any kind of plan.  The technical problems with online poker are too great, my schedule is too uncertain, and when and how much I will be able to sleep can change from day to day.

I am no longer aiming for a certain number of hours playing or studying.  So many things are outside my control that numerical goals have no meaning.  I have no idea how long it would take me know to finish my usual three readings of a new poker book.  I have no idea what I should be studying, for how long, or if I can be awake enough long enough that particular day to give a study topic any significant time.

In my world, there isn't much that is scarier than having ADD and not having a plan.  Goal setting keeps me focused long-term, and organization and structure keep me going short-term.  But there are no goals on which I can focus, and no structures that I can impose, that have any practical relevance.

It's very scary, and more than a little ironic.  The discipline required to become a good poker player from scratch, and being able to pull that off, have mean an awful lot to me.  Poker has helped me to learn good habits, and to have more confidence.  I feel all of that slipping away.

I'm very scared that I will become Bad Clif again.  The Clif that couldn't try out for the wrestling team because I misremembered the date and missed the required physical.  The Clif that showed up for a Boy Scout campout, only to find no one at the meeting place--they left the previous night.  The Clif that damaged his military career due to being disorganized and overwhelmed.  The Clif who failed to graduate from two colleges because I couldn't stay focused long enough to study or write long papers.  I did all of that, and much worse.

That said, I'll reuse a popular saying that has already been beaten to death--It is what it is.  All I can do is hang on, remember what Bad Clif was like, and do my best to never be that person again.

I hope I can pull it off.  I'm not sure that I can.